December 23rd 2008 I spent walking through the snow and hopping buses to get to and from my first ultrasound. On this day last year I found out that we were pregnant with twins. We had recently suffered a loss before that pregnancy and when I found out it was twins I was convinced that this was the universes way of telling me that it was sorry for last time and it was making it up by blessing me with twins.
On this day last year I fantasized about what this Christmas would be like having twins. It would be their first Christmas and I was so looking forward to it. I was so unbelievably happy. I couldn't wait to see the way that their eyes would light up the first time they saw Christmas lights. I know they would have been young and wouldn't get what was really going on, but I would have enjoyed it enough for the 3 of us.
Now it is December 23rd 2009. My twins passed at 23 weeks in April, my husband left and I lost another LO in August. Now instead of me planning my girls' first Christmas and our first Christmas as a family of four, I am planning my first Christmas in a long time alone. My first Christmas without my kids and my husband.
I am really hoping and praying that we all can find something that brings a twinkle to our eye or even a moment of peace of mind this holiday season. I hate that we are all here, but I sadly find comfort in knowing that there are others out there that are dreading these holidays as much as me. Sorry if that sounds terrible, I just hope that we can all find a moment of happiness.
Happy Holidays ladies!
Your butterflies have finally been released :)
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