On Your Birthday

I don't even know where to begin. I love you both more than anything else in this world, and on your first birthday I know that I can't be with either of you and it just kills me. But I know that you are somewhere safe. Somewhere where you will be forever young, forever innocent. Somewhere where you don't have to worry or be afraid.

In ways I am grateful that you won't have to face the pain and suffering that life has to offer, but you won't get to enjoy the pleasures either. I am so blessed to have you both as my daughters, and I don't know what I would do without you. You have changed me for the better in so many ways and I could never thank you enough.

I treasure you with everything in me, you are with me in everything that I do, and for every choice I make, I do it to make you proud. You are the great loves of my life.

Love you always and forever
Mommy

Easter 2010

This has been one of the hardest days of my life. Last Easter at 6pm I was induced. I knew the girls wouldn't make it and I dreaded every moment. This year all I am left with are the memories of my girls and my husband. I really could have used his support today, but I didn't have him and I don't even know if he remembered.

Last Easter was the day that my happiness ended, and this year I am in search for it. It's 12:47 and Easter is officially over (thank God) and only one person outside of my Mother even mentioned them. I want to scream to the world the story of my girls. They deserve to be remembered openly by those who love and miss them but I feel like I am the only one who ever brings them up, except for my 5 year old nephew who obviously misses them and always asks me about them.

I just want them to be remembered, and I understand that I want them to be remembered in my own way, but I just love them so much and I feel like others should be as heartbroken by their passing as me. For once I just want someone in my real life to understand what I am feeling and actually be there for me. I want someone to cry with me and talk about them. Someone who remembers them, someone who was there to meet them and hold them and love them. I just want my family back...

A Hydrangea For My Girls

My most recent addition. I planted a hydrangea last summer in honor of my twins, it soon turned into a beautiful white one with green on the inner part of the blossoms. But I am not sure if it made it through the winter, so I decided this way it could always be around and reminder.No matter how I took the picture it just won't do it justice. But I am very happy with how it turned out :) What do you think?

Just another day...

Today feels the same as every other day. I wish that I didn't keep feeling this way. Everyday I think about what I would be doing if I still had my family. I wonder how big the girls would be, what they would be able to do by now.

I wonder if I will ever have a family again. I wonder if I will be able to get myself both mentally and physically healthy enough to be able to start over.

But I am back in school and am getting out of bed everyday for those girls. I don't want them to see me give up, that isn't what they would have wanted for me. So I continue to get up everyday. I continue to do all my homework to the fullest and try with everything in me. Although they aren't here, everything I do I do it for them. I do it for the family I had and hope that someday I may have a family again.