On this day last year...

December 23rd 2008 I spent walking through the snow and hopping buses to get to and from my first ultrasound. On this day last year I found out that we were pregnant with twins. We had recently suffered a loss before that pregnancy and when I found out it was twins I was convinced that this was the universes way of telling me that it was sorry for last time and it was making it up by blessing me with twins.

On this day last year I fantasized about what this Christmas would be like having twins. It would be their first Christmas and I was so looking forward to it. I was so unbelievably happy. I couldn't wait to see the way that their eyes would light up the first time they saw Christmas lights. I know they would have been young and wouldn't get what was really going on, but I would have enjoyed it enough for the 3 of us.

Now it is December 23rd 2009. My twins passed at 23 weeks in April, my husband left and I lost another LO in August. Now instead of me planning my girls' first Christmas and our first Christmas as a family of four, I am planning my first Christmas in a long time alone. My first Christmas without my kids and my husband.

I am really hoping and praying that we all can find something that brings a twinkle to our eye or even a moment of peace of mind this holiday season. I hate that we are all here, but I sadly find comfort in knowing that there are others out there that are dreading these holidays as much as me. Sorry if that sounds terrible, I just hope that we can all find a moment of happiness.

Happy Holidays ladies!

I seem to be having one of those days!

Today I haven't been able to get my angels off my mind. I started thinking about how old they would be and what they would be doing. What they would know, what they would like and dislike. Some days I just seem to get drug down into my pain. No matter how much I don't want to go there.

I am hoping that the holidays is the reason that the days have been so hard lately. I keep thinking that if I can just make it through the next couple weeks that I will be fine. That things will get a bit easier. I hope that it is true but sometimes I just don't know.

I keep pushing myself to say yes to invitations even though I feel like saying no. If I said no to everything I didn't feel like doing I would never leave my house and that wouldn't help anything. getting out helps, but it almost makes it harder once I get home. I don't regret doing the things I push myself into doing. I usually wind up having fun. It is just that I have had to bottle everything the whole time I was out so once I get back home I let it all out at once instead of as it comes.

I wish no one ever had to go through this. I feel for all of you who have had to suffer this kind of pain. It isn't fair, and my thoughts are with you and your families!

Star Story - For a loss at any stage

I pulled the article below from the brief encounters website and it is a story that touches my heart and opens my mind. Hope you enjoy it. (Hope I don't get in trouble for reposting :/ )

http://www.briefencounters.org/index.htm

The Brown Star Story

Not long ago, astronomers found in the heavens gaseous celestial bodies--clouds of cosmic dust-- which they think have finally answered the mystery of what exists between the small things in the universe, like the planets, and the bigger things, like the sun. They call this cosmic dust "brown dwarfs" or "pre-stars", because although brown dwarfs have all the elements to become stars, for some reason they never did.

All stars go on to live full lives, from their hot, bright white dwarf stage to their aged cooler and dimmer red giant sage. But "brown stars" only go so far. Instead of being born to live a normal star's life, they remain cool and dim, hiding in the heavens, sprinkled in clusters among the other stars 150 light years from Earth.

But, like our babies, their roles in the universe are very important. In fact, scientists believe they serve as a link between the small things and the big things, holding the universe together: a mid-point between the beginning and ending of our universal story.

As we grieve for our babies who died before reaching stardom of their earthly lives, perhaps we can find comfort in the possibility that they were designated for this very special universal role. Energized by our love, they are guardians of our memories of what was and our dreams of what some day may be.

As we look to the heavens, seeking answers, we send messages of love to our "brown star" babies.

This story really helped me look at my losses from a different perspective. I hope that in one way or another that it helps you too! You all are in my thoughts!

Breif Encounters

Brief Encounters is an organization that is very near and dear to my heart. It is local in Portland Oregon, and most services are for SW Washington State and Oregon. But they have people who volunteer and can be contacted via email, great stories and a great place to find resources.

If you have ever suffered a loss I strongly recommend visiting this website. Let me know if this helps!

http://www.briefencounters.org/index.htm

Like I said a lot of it is local, but resources, stories, book/movie lists and some of the other things they have can help anyone anywhere!

Alexis and Izabella's Story

When I found out on December 5th 2008 that I was pregnant I had already gone through 2 miscarriages (mc). One was years prior and one was just a few short months before.

But I was thrilled. My husband and I were still missing the little one that we had just lost together, but we were trying again and were so happy to see that we got pregnant again. I called my OB since he said when I got pregnant again he would want to see me earlier in the pregnancy and that he would want to watch me closer because of my history. So we went in did the routine tests and sent me off for blood work. He scheduled us for our first ultrasound to happen on December 23rd. By this date we had about a foot of snow, and we don't know what to do with snow here since we never get it. My husband and I were able to catch a bus to the appointment. Even though everyone told me to call and reschedule, I refused. I needed to see it to make sure that my baby was ok, and how great to be able to see my baby on Christmas Eve Eve.

We waited our turn and went into the back. At this point the US just looked like a black dot changing shapes everytime she moved, then she settled on one spot. She asked if we saw the two sacks, we said yes, she said congratulations, it's twins. I couldn't believe my ears! I was in complete shock through the rest of the appointment. I called my Mom while we waited for a bus. Then my sister. No one believed me, they were in complete shock, as I still was. Well the bus didn't come so we walked up hill in the snow and cold and it didn't even phase me. I didn't care, I was walking for 3!

That Christmas was filled with so much happiness. New Years even better, this year I would have 2 beautiful babies! We continued appointments and continued with blood work, hearing their heart beats duke it out for who's would be faster, and so many kicks to the US wand that I thought I would start bleeding internally. My babies were strong. My doctor kept saying that once we hit 20 weeks we would be in the free and clear, and we were so anxious to reach that point and stop the worrying and finally it came. That was it, it was really happening, not only were we going to finally have a baby but we were going to have 2! I thought that this was the universes way of telling me that last time was an oops and it was making up for it with this pregnancy.

On March 23rd we had the big US to find out the gender of the babies, measurements and all that good stuff. With it being twins it took forever. My Mom, husband, myself, the US machine and tech were crammed in a dark little room for 3 and a half hours. but we found out that we had two daughters; Alexis Louise and Izabella Lynne!

Thursday April 2nd/Friday April 3rd I started swelling pretty bad in my feet, hands and face. I felt fine, but I was so sore from moving and bending all my swollen joints. On Saturday April 4th we were invited to a good friend of mine's wedding and a local community college was having a hunt in honor of Easter so my family was taking my nephew, I realized that I didn't have a pair of shoes that fit me anymore so we went to Target Friday so I would have something to wear out Saturday. I went from a size 9-9.5 to an 11! I couldn't believe it. I continued to put my feet up to slow or reverse the swelling, but nothing seemed to work. We went to the wedding and then we met my Mom, nephew and sister at my sister's house. She is a RN, she worked in the Neonatal and not works in the Post Pardum floor at a local hospital. When she saw my feet she flipped out! She started poking at it, asking me questions and harassing me about what my blood pressure was. I had no answers for her at that point. So they made me sit through the whole hunt then we went to a local drug store to check my blood pressure. My sister said it was elevated and to call my doctor. So when I explained to him everything that was happening he seemed to blow it off. Said don't worry you are only 21 w 5 d and that no one that early get pre-eclampsia and that I had an appointment on Wednesday the 9th and not to worry that he will see me then.

With frustration I let it go. I decided to continue to monitor my blood pressure 1 or 2 times a day and if it got much higher I would call back. Sunday it increased but not by a lot, Monday I checked and it was still climbing so I called the doctor again after hours. He told me pretty much the same thing but he clearly seemed more annoyed at me than the first call. I felt bad for bugging him and let it go. While at work on Tuesday one of his receptionist calls asking to move my appointment to the following week that they scheduled him for surgery the same time as my appointment. I went crazy. I tried to explain the circumstances to her as calmly as humanly possible and explained that I would NOT wait to see him. She understood and bumped me to Thursday afternoon.

We went in and started with the routine pee test and weighing in. I had gained about 15 pounds in 2 weeks which for me was huge since I couldn't keep any food down and had a hard time gaining any weight. When the nurse did the protein test she started to panic (even though she was trying to hide it). She started filling out some order form and explained that I was losing 4+ protein and that he will probably send me to the hospital next door but we should see what he says.

When he walked in the room you could see the hate he had for himself written all over his face. He knew he should have sent me to the hospital on Saturday when I first called now and I think that he saw that as a huge error on his part. He explained what Pre-Eclampsia was and that there was no guarantee that that is what I had and that he would be sending me to the hospital next door and admitting me for testing.

My husband seemed calm, but I was on the phone balling like a baby on the phone with my sister explaining the conversation 3 minutes before that I could barely remember. I made her call my Mom as I knew if I called her in that condition she would flip out. They decided to do blood work, US, heart rate monitoring for babies and I (which when she put the monitor on she was completely confused as to why she couldn't make out a clear heartbeat of the baby from mine, I said it was probably the other babies, apparently the dr never informed them that I was having twins), IV liquids and put me on a 24 hour urine watch to measure my outputs.

I don't remember them telling me that they saw anything wrong on the US but by morning I hadn't even put an output of a half an inch and it seemed that pre-e was confirmed. They decided to transfer me to the hospital where my sister worked that was better equipped to care for me. So Friday my husband and I took an ambulance ride across town.

After a full day of blood work, US, talking to a neonatal dr about survival rates and how long we would have to wait for the babies to have a chance at life, being on magnesium, not being able to eat and multiple other trials it came to Friday evening. My husband had gone home to feed the cat, get the car and take a shower. So it was just my Mom and I when the dr came in and said that after viewing the US Alexis was being deprived of nutrients and there was a large mass in her fluid sack that was taking away the blood and food supply from her. We didn't have a choice at that point. I needed to induce labor if I wanted a chance at surviving this. My Kidney and Liver weren't functioning and I couldn't stay on the magnesium long enough for the girls to have a chance.

I finally mustered up the courage to induce and we started at 6pm on Easter Sunday April 12th, 2009. A wonderful nurse (head of the nursing dept at the hospital) induced me. She gave us packets of resources, explained what the process would be, said a prayer over us, explained to us what Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep is and arranged for someone to do pictures of the girls, but above all the most beautiful thing she did was offer us a very special blanket. Her Mother is in her 90's and knitted a bunch of baby blankets for the hospital to give new parents. I guess they went fast and she tucked away the last one for someone special, she felt that our girls were who she had saved it for.

I got my epidural around 4am after having contractions for hours and just not knowing that is what it was. That was an ordeal in and of itself.

With me, my husband, sister, Mom, Dr and nurse in the room Alexis Louise was born to heaven at 8:38am and Izabella Lynne followed her to heaven at 9:18am. They were both put on my chest under my gown and I held them tight against my chest. They felt so good in my arms. Shortly after Izabella was born they did their footprints and tried to deliver the placenta. After another induction tablet and trying to manually remove it they decided to rush me in for an emergency D&C.

I remember eventually coming back to the room and being handed the girls again. At this point the whole family was in the room; My husband, my daughters, My Mom and sister and my Mother and Father in law. Shortly after I got back the photographer showed up and took the most amazing pictures of the girls. She said that she had never heard of any of their photographers doing photos of such tiny, young babies. The girls were born on the first day of their 23rd week.

We got to spend every minute with the girls until they took them early Wednesday morning. And I got released from the hospital Wednesday evening.

It has been 3 days shy of 8 months since my girls have left. I miss them terribly and love them more than anything else in this world. Until I can hold them in my arms, I will hold them in my heart.