Driving Through The Fog With No Headlights

It feels as if it has been way too long since I posted on here, but I wasn't sure if anyone reads this anyways.

I am in my 5th term of school and I feel like it is going by so fast. I can't begin to accept what has happened in my life over the past 2 years. I still feel like I am in a fog of denial. As if my life is completely on hold til my family comes back to me. As if I fell asleep 2 years ago and I just haven't woken up yet.

I miss my daughters dearly and I am not really sure how to deal with that yet. I feel as if I haven't accepted that they are gone. Yet at the same time with all the pain and agony I have felt since their passing what will it feel like to actually accept that they are gone? This is the notion that keeps me locked in this box with my pain.

If I don't leave my box will I eventually just have a nervous breakdown? Will enough time have passed by then that it will actually be easier? Is being in this fog about my daughters and husband causing me to miss out on chances and opportunities that could have brightened my future? How do I get out of the fog?

On Your Birthday

I don't even know where to begin. I love you both more than anything else in this world, and on your first birthday I know that I can't be with either of you and it just kills me. But I know that you are somewhere safe. Somewhere where you will be forever young, forever innocent. Somewhere where you don't have to worry or be afraid.

In ways I am grateful that you won't have to face the pain and suffering that life has to offer, but you won't get to enjoy the pleasures either. I am so blessed to have you both as my daughters, and I don't know what I would do without you. You have changed me for the better in so many ways and I could never thank you enough.

I treasure you with everything in me, you are with me in everything that I do, and for every choice I make, I do it to make you proud. You are the great loves of my life.

Love you always and forever
Mommy

Easter 2010

This has been one of the hardest days of my life. Last Easter at 6pm I was induced. I knew the girls wouldn't make it and I dreaded every moment. This year all I am left with are the memories of my girls and my husband. I really could have used his support today, but I didn't have him and I don't even know if he remembered.

Last Easter was the day that my happiness ended, and this year I am in search for it. It's 12:47 and Easter is officially over (thank God) and only one person outside of my Mother even mentioned them. I want to scream to the world the story of my girls. They deserve to be remembered openly by those who love and miss them but I feel like I am the only one who ever brings them up, except for my 5 year old nephew who obviously misses them and always asks me about them.

I just want them to be remembered, and I understand that I want them to be remembered in my own way, but I just love them so much and I feel like others should be as heartbroken by their passing as me. For once I just want someone in my real life to understand what I am feeling and actually be there for me. I want someone to cry with me and talk about them. Someone who remembers them, someone who was there to meet them and hold them and love them. I just want my family back...

A Hydrangea For My Girls

My most recent addition. I planted a hydrangea last summer in honor of my twins, it soon turned into a beautiful white one with green on the inner part of the blossoms. But I am not sure if it made it through the winter, so I decided this way it could always be around and reminder.No matter how I took the picture it just won't do it justice. But I am very happy with how it turned out :) What do you think?

Just another day...

Today feels the same as every other day. I wish that I didn't keep feeling this way. Everyday I think about what I would be doing if I still had my family. I wonder how big the girls would be, what they would be able to do by now.

I wonder if I will ever have a family again. I wonder if I will be able to get myself both mentally and physically healthy enough to be able to start over.

But I am back in school and am getting out of bed everyday for those girls. I don't want them to see me give up, that isn't what they would have wanted for me. So I continue to get up everyday. I continue to do all my homework to the fullest and try with everything in me. Although they aren't here, everything I do I do it for them. I do it for the family I had and hope that someday I may have a family again.

On this day last year...

December 23rd 2008 I spent walking through the snow and hopping buses to get to and from my first ultrasound. On this day last year I found out that we were pregnant with twins. We had recently suffered a loss before that pregnancy and when I found out it was twins I was convinced that this was the universes way of telling me that it was sorry for last time and it was making it up by blessing me with twins.

On this day last year I fantasized about what this Christmas would be like having twins. It would be their first Christmas and I was so looking forward to it. I was so unbelievably happy. I couldn't wait to see the way that their eyes would light up the first time they saw Christmas lights. I know they would have been young and wouldn't get what was really going on, but I would have enjoyed it enough for the 3 of us.

Now it is December 23rd 2009. My twins passed at 23 weeks in April, my husband left and I lost another LO in August. Now instead of me planning my girls' first Christmas and our first Christmas as a family of four, I am planning my first Christmas in a long time alone. My first Christmas without my kids and my husband.

I am really hoping and praying that we all can find something that brings a twinkle to our eye or even a moment of peace of mind this holiday season. I hate that we are all here, but I sadly find comfort in knowing that there are others out there that are dreading these holidays as much as me. Sorry if that sounds terrible, I just hope that we can all find a moment of happiness.

Happy Holidays ladies!

I seem to be having one of those days!

Today I haven't been able to get my angels off my mind. I started thinking about how old they would be and what they would be doing. What they would know, what they would like and dislike. Some days I just seem to get drug down into my pain. No matter how much I don't want to go there.

I am hoping that the holidays is the reason that the days have been so hard lately. I keep thinking that if I can just make it through the next couple weeks that I will be fine. That things will get a bit easier. I hope that it is true but sometimes I just don't know.

I keep pushing myself to say yes to invitations even though I feel like saying no. If I said no to everything I didn't feel like doing I would never leave my house and that wouldn't help anything. getting out helps, but it almost makes it harder once I get home. I don't regret doing the things I push myself into doing. I usually wind up having fun. It is just that I have had to bottle everything the whole time I was out so once I get back home I let it all out at once instead of as it comes.

I wish no one ever had to go through this. I feel for all of you who have had to suffer this kind of pain. It isn't fair, and my thoughts are with you and your families!